Scoring for progress

Hello again,

I have no musical background whatsoever but this last year I've been feeling creative like I haven't in many years. So I decided to start playing around with Ableton Live and a couple midi controllers that I got. I didn't even watch many YouTube tutorials cause it was getting just too confusing. So I went with a whole trial and error approach and here's part of the result.

I have a few "songs" that I will hopefully post in the next few months.

For now this first one, more than an actual song I want to think about it more like I was scoring the last year of my life as I revived a collage of moments and emotions in my head. I just have to decide if I'll record the vocals that I'm posting at the end of this; if I'll be singing or I may just end up doing it with spoken work ala The Streets.

Song For Two is a song that talks about the process of closing a cycle and starting a new one. Is about that in between time when you're almost ready to move forward cause you see the bright lights ahead but there's something deep still holding you back even though you know it's time to take the next step.

I've been following on of my best friend's tireless progress with an album he's producing and that has been inspiring. Once again I have no musical skills or knowledge, specially compared to someone like him who's been making music for years. This song was just done and the vocals written with what I have been feeling and experiencing this last year and nothing else. Please Visit my friend's site to learn more about him too. He definitely is another cool an very eclectic guy just like me! :D www.kotohkhan.com

Thanks for reading once again and Keep The Faith!

ML

Here are the lyrics:

-Song For Two-

Was I a tyrant or just naive?
My D-Day was on April not in June
This heart became your Normandy
Our dreams dropped dead like aghast troopers

I was in self imposed limbo
An imploding and fragile bubble
Filled with love surrounded by darkness

Let's give this wild idea a go
And forget about past lovers
Cause today we are
what we need for each other

Then through fog and tears you appeared
A figurehead of hope and kindness
Will it be long 'til I start dreaming of our memories?

My mates tell me I should be bold                                                                                                                  
But how can I be when you weaken me down to my knees?

I can be stoic under the storm of adversity
But under your spell I have to lower my guard and keep my chin up

Let's give this wild idea a go
And forget about past lovers
Cause today we are
what we need for each other
Let's give this wild idea a go
And forget about those others
Cause today we are what we need
for the sake of two broken lovers

Things have changed
I'm not sad because of you anymore
I've got the blues cause I'm not with someone else

If I was a soldier I'd have a photo of you tucked in my pocket
But I'm a loser and I wish I could torn to pieces all my images of you

Let's give this wild idea a go
And forget about past lovers
Cause today we are what we need for each other

I have to cure this loneliness
With a heavy dose of solitude
And be reminded how to smile from within once again

Can you guide me? how to be myself for a second time?
Cause I'm afraid you'll fall in love with a ghostly version of me

I may walk away at some point
But I'm not leaving behind the possibility of us
If you see me stroll away please run and hug me from behind
Tell me "please stay we'll make it work"

Fall asleep with your head on my chest
As I twirl your long hair with my fingers
And sing you a song that I cannot even sing to myself

Let's give this wild idea a go
And forget about all others
Cause today we are what we need for the sake of two broken lovers

I'm looking for you everywhere I go
Hoping I won't find you anywhere

And you, I've stopped searching for
Cause I know you're already deep within my thoughts

Let's give this wild idea a go
And forget about all others
Cause today we are what we need for the sake of two broken lovers

A CALENDAR YEAR OF EMOTIONAL EQUALITY

First post of the year!

I think we've all suffered these feelings of low self esteem, unworthiness and non-reciprocal love. Such feelings can affect not just a child but also us as adults even if there's this idea that as adults our psyches and emotions are fully formed and developed. And after a while these negative emotions will turn into a feeling of us being abused. Which sucks even if you're a fully developed and somehow emotionally stable adult.

I usually try to communicate with people I love and care about how I feel about them and what they mean to me. Abuse doesn't have to be just physical or 'obvious' to take a toll on us. We are societal creatures even as much as some of us think we are islands.

Thankfully I grew up within a family niche that always showed love for each other and voiced how valuable we were to each other but at the same time maybe that's also turned me into a person that expects an equal amount of attention and acceptance from my peers and sometimes I feel left down.

That doesn't mean I'll stop telling you guys how awesome you are or how much I care about you or love you. I think it'll just mean that I'll be more cautious about opening up too much to people who may not be worth me putting myself in a vulnerable position.

I know finding nurturing relationship that are equal in nature require a level of risk but I'll be more calculative when it comes to taking such risks.

So if I ever tell you something nice or compliment you please know that I mean it and even if I don't say it expecting you to say the exact same thing back to me it's nice when it feels reciprocated. We put so much meaning and value into our words that I may just start hugging you guys whenever I want to express how awesome you are :)

Much love and happy 2015!!!
Madu

Ps. I wished I had the chance to tell my cousin who just passed away on New Year's Eve how much I love him, what a beautiful human being he was and give him a big hug goodbye.

Te voy a extrañar siempre Flaco!!!! 

Listen to this BEAUTIFUL song by one of my favourite bands!

Words by: Guillemots

Words are never easy
Words are seldom true
Words are never simple darling
When they’re aimed at you

Words are never gentle
Words are never plain
Words are never what they think they are
That’s the problem with pain

Words are never my own
Try well as they might
They break me into pieces, darling
From the greatest of heights

I left you in the morning
When the tears stained my smile
I left you in the morning, darling
For a long, long while

Oh and I think life would be so much easier if they had no words
Yeah, I think life would be so much easier if they had no words
I’d smile at you when I was happy, shed a tear when I was sad
I think life would be so much easier if I was half the drunken man

Don’t blame it on me
Oh, blame it on the words
Don’t blame it on me
Oh, blame it on the words

Blame it on the words
Blame it on the words
Blame it on the words
The therapeutic movement puts a lot of emphasis on abuse when it talks about trauma. What is often missing is a dialogue about the traumatic nature of neglect. Both abuse and neglect can have a traumatic impact on the receiver and impede their developmental processes. When a child’s needs and presence are ignored, they often experience the neglect as a trauma. With no tools to understand that the parent’s neglect is a function of their own issues and challenges, the child has a tendency to assume that they are being neglected because they are unworthy of attention and love: “If the parent doesn’t notice me, if the parent doesn’t meet my needs, I ‘must’ be unwelcome on the planet.” If this internalization lasts too long, it can congeal into a web of self-hatred that is difficult to overcome. It is difficult to believe in our inherent magnificence if we carry the belief that we are unworthy of love. May we begin to weave a deeper understanding of neglect into our understanding of trauma. If we want children to believe in their value, we have to remind them of it by attuning to them and meeting their needs. Even a comment like “I am sorry I have not been attentive lately- I am overwhelmed- Please don’t take it personally” can make a big difference. A little bit of attention goes a long way...
— Jeff Brown

On old flames

Rediscovering my passions

It's been years since I've put real time into one of the things that I really enjoy which is taking photographs.

This has been a tumultuous year to say the least. But this chaos has also made me open up in many different ways. I've met new people that have made me trust and feel alive once again and my few close friends have had my back like I never thought someone who's not family could.

As far as my mental sanity goes; training and coaching has been my best ally. But I'm not just a coach or an athlete. I think I am too eclectic of a person to be just ok with fulfilling one aspect of my life.

I've never been a resolution kinda guy but since this year is about to end and I'm ready to become the person that some of you may remember from before I'll be getting back into things that were put in the back burner while I dealt with crap.

Things such as re-igniting my racing project. Which I can say is not just my biggest passion but that one aspect of my life that I feel like I'm far from feeling accomplished and maybe will always feel that way. I miss competing and the fulfilment from performing at the level I know I can perform.

This brings me to one other thing that I love doing. That is taking photographs. I fell in love with photography while studying graphic design at Universidad Iberoamericana in Mexico. Photography was the class that I really wanted to attend all the time and even if I didn't always do. Also, I was extremely lucky cause the two professors I had became really good mentors to me and people I admire until today cause they're amazingly talented photographers.

I'll be dusting off some of my old photos and will probably sell some prints starting next year so I can get some funding for new equipment. Photography is amazing but as many things that I like is not cheap at all.

I'll be writing an entire new post to present this photo project cause I don't want to just offer a print for you to frame and have on your wall. I want to create a whole concept that will contain a lot more meaning and life compared to a nice looking photo that's just printed on fancy paper and hanging off your wall.

Here's a little sample of some of the hundreds of images I've been working on. Hope you like them and I'll keep you posted with all the different things that are to come next year cause it's time to scrape the shit off my shoe and keep walking.

"Keep the faith!"

ML

Prose, Essays, Photography

ColourBlind

A prose on colour-less feelings and hazy memories

Why is it that everything has changed so much? Or maybe everything else is the same and it's me the one that has changed?

I need back into my life those things that kept me on my toes. I'm ok now with being beige.

It scares me cause when I see broken people beige is what I see. I want to feel like myself once again. I know deep inside there's something that is making my heart beat but cannot think of what it is.

Should I do this alone or should I try to find a hand to hold as I keep moving on? I guess I could always hold my own hand. Cause even if I disappoint myself I can forgive myself quicker than I can forgive you.

I can't remember holding grudges for this long. But also never been in such a predicament. To keep fighting for what I've been part of and has made me who I am today or just let go? My shoulders feel tired from holding all this weight. It doesn't have to be like this. We could walk along beside each other at the same pace.

The waves of sounds and colours I see now are as narrow as the slits I've never had in my arms. Blue used to feel like extra time was given onto us but now it's cold, frozen and still.

I remember the long green grass like trees that surrounded us. Top to bottom and side to side. Stepping out into the grey mist felt like warm breeze on our eyes. The bittersweet smell of dark seeds as we walked along a hilly town that was more like a maze to me.

I say to myself it's ok to miss those times but also warn my heart from expecting more cause I'm not even sure where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I'm welcome everywhere but don't belong anywhere.

Remember seeing me at the gates that first time? I do, the sight was bright, yellow and radiant. Maybe so bright that I've been blinded since then. Have I been sightless for so long that I'm actually just learning how to see? If so, I want to be blinded by you once again cause if the true colours of the world are so painful I rather be blind and numbed by your love.

I feel like I’m welcome everywhere but don’t belong anywhere.
— ML

Prose, Essays

On random words and sentences

Wether a link of words put together in the most prosaic possible way means something to you or not, maybe it's time for me to put it out there in a place where 1's and 0's become information and knowledge.

 

"I don't need to fight to prove I'm right.

I don't need to be forgiven.

But also want to be happy cause every day feels like a stickup robbing me of life."

 

 "I feel bad for those like me whose heart was broken by the person they love the most.

But I feel worse for those who broke the hearts of that one person who loved them as much as they love themselves or maybe even more.

I simply couldn't bear holding onto so much pain."

-ML


Recovering from life

It's been a few months since my last post and to be honest that wasn't the intention I had when I first created this page and blog.

And even though I don't want to focus on the negative aspects of why it's been a while since I've put time onto this blog, is necessary for me to acknowledge the fact that the last few months have been probably the hardest ones I've had to endure since I can recall.

Thankfully up until now my life has been very fruitful and happy overall. But shit happens and we are tested every once in a while. As I type this I'm still going through this test but I'm 100% confident that I'll come out stronger and a better person at the end.

I don't want to bring your moods down so let's jump into something more positive. One of the things that has been helping me overcome this situation has been staying busy doing things I enjoy, learning new skills and meeting new positive people.

I'll post the photos from my recent trip to Mexico not jus tot reminisce happier times but to be reminded that one day not long ago things were better and that life has given me so much potential to get back to that state of mind and even better.

Hope you guys enjoy. Give me a shout if you ever want to chat about something fun and positive or just hang out and chill.

Much Love

Madu

"Clean living under difficult circumstances" - Pete Meaden

Beach House Cuyutlan Mexico Pt. 1

Beach House Cuyutlan Mexico Pt. 2

Mexico City & Guadalajara 2014

Photography

Undercover Aguila in Enemy Lands

On Football Rivalries

It's been a long time since I visited Mexico and have had more than one friend here in the city. This year has been different. A very good friend of mine from Vancouver is currently living in Mexico City.

It's been great having more than one person here to hang out with. I should actually feel embarrassed cause she's been taking me places that I've never been to and really helping out with directions. 

Some of this places I've never been to cause I've chosen not to go to. For example UNAM (Autonomous National University of Mexico) home of the most disliked Pumas football team (soccer for you neophytes), arch-rivals of my most beloved Aguilas del America. Without a doubt the greatest (ask any other America fan haha) and most hated team in all of Mexico. 

Both teams have had a great rivalry throughout the years since they're both from Mexico City and represent different ideologies and people from Mexico. America being the snobby rich club who buys players with qualities but no love and loyalty for the team they represent. Just to kick whomever is not helpful out of the team and then spend loads more money on new players. Free market anyone? Even though things have changed in the last few years and America is once again a yellow and blue force to be reckoned with.

Pumas is the team of the national university and they represent a club that throughout the years has been famous for making the best out of their soccer development program. By the time some of these players are playing with the first team they have been with Pumas since they were 5 years old. Which is good for some professional football clubs regardless of where in the world they're from. Commie ideologies anyone?

So my friend and I went to the botanical garden of the University and since I was already deep into the trenches of enemy lands I decided to take a few photos. I would never go into the stadium and desecrate my Aguilas Aztec Stadium but there are a few really cool places around campus that we went to.

I wonder what the porros (UNAM hooligans) who are, allegedly, full on leftist, converse wearing, dreadlocked, pot smoking Pumas fans would've done to me if they knew I wanted to run around their campus wearing an America jersey singing the anthems that America fans sing at Aztec Stadium?

Glad instead of practicing my martial arts and self defence skills against a bunch of porros I decided to have a nice walk with my lovely friend and snapped a few shots of enemy lands.

Vamoooos Vamos America, que esta nocheeee tenemos que ganar!!!! 

M

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Photography, Artist

GREYSCALE PHOTOESSAY WITH POLYCHROMIC DETAILS

Greyscale photoessay with polychromatic details

On Perspective

Let's not forget that big things are made of little details. Sometimes we look in awe at the perspective of things. Sometimes we feel big and invincible while some other times we feel tiny and insignificant.

What makes me open my eyes wide and pan from side to side and top to bottom? Maybe it's the same thing makes you squint and look up close to focus on something you've never noticed before. 

A little flower growing beside gigantic boulders that are much older than the first conscious thoughts, big lakes residing on huge dormant craters, murals and architecture that look big and make us feel small even though they started as a tiny idea on a piece of paper

Let's not pretend to be big and please do not feel small. Let's just be a beautiful detail on a huge canvas.

ML

Part 1

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Part 2

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Part 3

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Part 4

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2014


www.themodernistracer.com                                                                                                      All rights reserved

Racing, General

Welcome to my world

On things that move us:

Welcome to the first entry of this blog. I'll try to keep this blog together with the website as active and current as possible. 

To be honest I wasn´t even sure about what should I write for this first entry. So I thought I should start with the way I´m feeling lately in general.

I'm currently in Mexico City. I got here from Vancouver just over a week ago. Even though I was born here I find it hard to adapt when I arrive from Vancouver. Could be the different pace, pollution, overpopulation, heat or don't know what but I'm very used to living in the North West of the continent. 

Even if Vancouver is a very expensive city to live in it's very worth it. Not just it's a beautiful city with first world living quiality but also some of the people I love the most live there. Living a comfortable life in a gorgeous place surrounded by amazing people may make some people feel at ease but in my case makes me more ambitious to accomplish more rather than just feel stale and at ease.

Same as most other humans I have my ups and downs in all aspects of life. So when my racing career has been a bit slower than I would've wished at least I've been able to stay mentally strong to keep going when things get complicated. The reason why I have been able to push through hard times is because I try to balance the tendency that many of us have to take things easy and slow when everything is going well or getting defeated when things are not going very well by finding things that I love and I'm passionate about. So even though my main goal is open wheel racing I find myself constantly getting immersed into different things. It could be anything, from some sort of a new tehcnology to an up and coming band or artist to something to do with my strength and conditioning training or even hanging out with people who enoy my company and vice versa.

I'm not saying my technique is flawless but it works for me. Could be because I've always been a very eclectic person so I'm able to step back a bit when things are not so well with one aspect of my life; change the perspective of things by putting my mental and emotional energy into something that I enjoy and then I realize that doesn't matter how good things are it won't be like that forever and same when things are going not so well.

So right now I'm feeling motivated cause I'm about to go live with my personal site and put the first entry of this blog out there for all of you to read it. Tomorrow I may not be as motivated but if that's the case I'll probably do something I enjoy like spending time with my dogs, take from some input from their always positive way of living, reset and then get back onto the rest of my projects.

Talking about projects keep up with my updates cause my racing project is just the tip of the iceberg of what's to come. Please take a few minutes to check out my website www.themodernistracer.com to know more about all the aspects of my life and please feel free to contact me regarding this blog or any of my projects. 

Looking forward to hearing from you

Madu

The Modernist Racer

The Modernist Racer